Recently, Missouri Representative Todd Akin spoke out against abortion in rape cases, arguing that amid “legitimate rape,” the human uterus has the plain ability to “shut that whole thing down.” While medical professionals respond with outrage, Akin now faces a massive backlash from his own Republican Party. Is it possible, though, that Akin knows something an entire global medical community and several billion women with their own personal reproductive systems have failed to realize? That there could exist some sort of magic prehistoric uterus with Akin’s referenced capacity for ESP?
Believe it or not, it does exist, and (through no small amount of string-pulling) we’ve managed to speak with it. Today, we sit down with the single most clairvoyant uterus in the world.
Clubhaus: Ahh, thank you for agreeing to this interview. It seems that, lately, you’re all anyone can talk about. Where are you right now?
A Uterus: Well, I can’t say it’s not a little exciting to be recognized, though it does make us all quite nervous – there’s a whole network of men and women working to keep me safely in hiding. No one’s entirely sure how Representative Akin came into his knowledge of me, but here we are – damage control. Right now… well, right now, I’m currently stashed away in a cave somewhere in the Hungarian countryside, but by the time you share this, I’ll be gone.
CH: Oh, jeeze, wow. How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?
AU: Ahh. “A lady never reveals her age!” (Laughs). But no, I’m about 14,000 years old.
CH: Fascinating. So, can you tell us about this shadowy network of people who keep you in hiding? It all sounds quite thrilling, actually. Is this some sort of modern day Knights Templar arrangement, or has Dan Brown just written too many novels for our own good?
AU: Well, I DO wear a wig similar to the one Tom Hanks wears in The Da Vinci Code. (Laughs). No, oof, I don’t know. I suppose it is sort of like that in its own way, just in a much less romanticized sense than all that noodle-y Brown nonsense. Basically, a very long time ago, an old wizard conjured me up with some very dark magic and, well, yes. We all have our pasts. I can’t control where I’ve come from. Understandably, I caused quite a ruckus, and the people looking after me have certainly been at it for generations now, so sometimes we’ll joke about it. Sometimes I’ll get messages signed “The Knights Uter-ar.” (Laughs).
CH: That’s very funny. On a more serious note, are you at all worried for your safety right now? There are really no theories on how Rep. Akin discovered you?
AU: I have my suspicions. It’s been difficult to get a good look at Akin’s picture from inside this dark cave at the moment, but like I said, I have my suspicions. He looks eerily similar to my wizard-maker, if I’m being honest. (Raises eyebrows). Take that as you will, but there it is.
CH: Oh, wow. Well, we’re not quite the hard-hitting platform you would need to speak out publicly, but we’ll share what we can. Is there anything else you’d like to say before you sign out?
AU: Ahh, gosh, well, thank you. I guess I’d just like to give a shout out to my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandniece, who has been all over the news this week, too! I apologize, I don’t entirely love saying her name - it’s a bit indecent for my taste. But then, that’s the world for you. Always changing.
[Image credit: The Library of Congress on Flickr]